It’s been a few weeks since my last post and since I have a little free time tonight I thought it would be a good time to stop and reflect.
Things don’t come easy for me. Easier than many? Probably. Am I complaining? No. I’m just stating that life is not always as perfect as it may seem on my Facebook highlight reel. It’s almost like I take one step forward to take two steps back…but I will never quit taking that step.
There was a time that I was afraid of everything. I would rarely come out of my apartment out of fear of who I would run into and what they would say. I had fear of what others thought of me because clearly their opinions of me were probably a direct reflection of the opinion I had of myself. Who can relate to this? It’s easier to avoid situations than to just live your life and move forward? That was me. I was the queen of over analyzing and I took the cake when it came to feeling sorry for myself.
The reason that I’m writing this tonight is because I know that I can’t be the only person who has battled with fear. I’m not talking about fear of something horrible, I’m simply talking about fear of living your life. Jesus came so that we may live life and live it to the fullest and it took me really realizing that to overcome the fear that I had.
So let’s tackle a few topics.
- Fear of the opinion of others.– I was crippled with this for a long time. Negative opinions from other people about me broke my heart. Yes, I did some stupid stuff….who hasn’t? There was one specific time when I realized that people I grew up with were gossiping about me. Perks of a small town. It broke me. It broke me to the point where I left that town as fast as possible….and I rarely go back. You know it’s so easy to spread the he said she said topics around town, but chances are he might not have said that and she might not have done that…or vice versa. Honestly gossip is gross to me. It hurts people and 99% of the time…it’s not true. Check your sources. When someone comes to you with gossip and the issue at hand doesn’t directly involve them…then it might not be true and that’s where it needs to end. It has taken a long time, but finally the opinions of others no longer affect me….maybe I’ve grown up…or maybe I just realized that my God knows my heart and He knows yours too. If you are living for the Lord the opinions of sheep doesn’t matter. Stay focused.
- Fear of being alone. I’ve had my heart broken so many times that I’ve lost count by now. I’m a very trusting person and a very loving person. I put all my eggs in one basket….and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the fact that I can be broken and I can trust again. I may not trust the same person again but I find vulnerability to be a strength and not a weakness and I’m proud of that. Ladies, why is it so accepted for someone to be in your life and then just disappear? It happens all too often now and it’s all too often accepted and I’m here to tell you that when someone shows you their true colors, take it at face value. When they disappear…let them go…because if they are that person, they will always be that person and they will always disappear. It’s not okay. It’s rude….but it’s a blessing. Let it go. God is not going to send you someone who will always leave you. He will not send you someone else’s husband. He will not send you someone who you have to fix. God will not give you someone who only wants you half of the time and He will certainly not send you a man who is not ready for you. God will in fact send you someone when you both are ready to receive that. It is through this that I have been able to let go of my fear of being alone, because I’m never alone. Never have been. Never will be. Trust me when I tell you that the battle between my clock and God’s clock gets pretty heated sometimes but it always ends with me humbling myself and accepting the fact that His plans are far greater than mine and He will win every time.
- Fear of being unsuccessful. Okay, okay let’s take a second and dive right into this one. Who is to say that you are unsuccessful? What measures success? Is success measured by the amount of money in your checking or savings account? Is it measured by the job you have? Is it measured in terms of marriage? Friends? Kids? Are you successful because you live in a big house? Does your success come from inheriting a bunch of money? You have nice things so you are clearly successful, right? We are constantly comparing our path with others. We are putting ourselves down because we aren’t in the same place as someone else. Why? I’ll tell you why. It is because we are proud people. We want to be the best at everything….I know that I do and God gave me a humbling gut check really quickly when I let my pride get in the way. I am having to fight tooth and nail right now in order to just be able to get accepted into a nursing program at school. Why? Because I want to be successful one day………… let me humble myself for you. You will never be able to be successful in any sense until God wants you to be. Until you become the one who is selfless enough to serve…you will never be served. I honestly believe this. God will take you and will grant every possible wish you have but you have to be willing to start at the bottom. You may have been called to start over in a new career and when He calls you, you work like you are working for the Lord and you will succeed. That’s true success. I mean….what can you take with you? Your money will stay here, your car will be here, your house will be here, anything that you own, all of the things you’ve purchased….have no value in Heaven….and won’t be going with you.
What God thinks of me is far more important to me than what others think of me. My favorite part of my testimony is the fact that I listened to God when he rescued me from a bad situation, sold everything that I had, moved home with my parents (the ultimate form of humility)…was led down a new career path and am fighting with everything that I have to succeed in it. Not for me, but because I know God has a huge blessing waiting for me on the other side. The day I turned the spotlight off of myself and faced it towards Him was the day I felt peace and stopped living in fear. Trust in His process and know that His plans may not always match your plans, but His plans are always good. He didn’t bring you this far to leave you.