I just need to write this down. I need an outlet. So here it is.
As many of you know January was the hardest month I believe I have ever faced. Everything in my life was new. First semester in nursing school. Training at a new job. I know what you’re thinking, “all of that sounds wonderful!” I agree with you. New is wonderful. I’m one step closer to becoming the nurse that I feel like I’m being led to be, but although it’s wonderful it’s hard. I’m not complaining, I embrace the challenge, but good heavens they weren’t kidding when they said it was unlike anything you’ve ever done. They were exactly right. In order for me to attend classes that I need for nursing, I had to quit my job and begin another job. All exciting, but training for a new position when you’re already in information overload adds a little to the stress I’ve taken on. Here’s the other catch. The only position that I had available was a weekend night shift. Side note, I had never worked a night shift before and it turns out that I really love working nights (Thank you Jesus) but going to class straight from work on Monday morning is tough. I’m adapting to that though. This week was much better than last week. So that’s a little background of January. Here’s where the plot twists.
On January 27 at 4:30am, I lost my precious Nana. Throughout the first few weeks of January, I watched her health fail her and watched her smile every bit of the way. She is 100% the purest form of love that I have ever experienced. You could feel that she loved you just by looking at her and if you got the honor of spending 2 seconds with her, you’d never doubt it again. She was my person. She was my Thursday night dinner date and my Saturday morning conversation. She was my hand to hold whenever I wanted and now it’s all gone. There’s no doubt in my mind that if anyone is with Jesus and happy, it’s being here without her that’s so hard. Yes, she was 92. Yes, she had Dementia. Yes, she’s better off. Yes, I realize all of these things. However, on my end, I’m completely shattered. The one person I’ve loved more than anything for the past 30 years is no longer here and for that I’m sad. I’m not happy that she’s gone. I’m hurt that she’s gone and that’s just me being honest. My brain is still set on autopilot, because every Thursday after class, I automatically head to Athens to visit with her. I forget that she has passed occasionally and then the reality sets in. Thankfully, I’ve stayed busy and haven’t had a chance to deal with any of this yet. I plan on staying focused on school and work and I can deal with this in the Summer. I can deal with her passing in a way that we both deserve, but right now I just can’t.
January took forever and February is almost gone. Another week passed without her. This has been quite the adjustment for all of us. New routines for everyone. I know it’s a good thing, but it just doesn’t feel good right now. Please if you’re reading this keep me in your prayers. Staying focused since I’ve lost her is almost impossible and I really need to pass this class.
Thank you for letting me vent.